so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
