Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
