I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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