he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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