Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
