so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
