I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
