By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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