Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
