It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
