yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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