Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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