I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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