i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
