Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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