Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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