there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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