My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
