these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
