I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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