u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
