I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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