I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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