that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
