So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Every concussion has its silver lining
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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