Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
