Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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