whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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