when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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