when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you will always have a special place in my vag
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
