we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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