Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
