that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
