You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
