I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
