phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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