Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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