we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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