i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
