More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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