Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
