I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
