I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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