He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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