I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
