he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
