god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
