so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
