I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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