I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Randomize
